Having Sex vs. Making Love

While the Kama Sutra was written during a very different time, when relationships had different rules and expectations, the basic concept remains the same: making love is an art of expression as much as a feeling. It combines trust, communication, and respect.

Having Sex and “Quickies”

Having sex is about getting physical pleasure with little regard for emotional connection. How you feel, what you want, and your own pleasure are given more weight than the needs of your partner. Things are kept shallow, and the concentration is on separate enjoyment, not shared experience. It is also limited to the acts of intercourse and orgasm.

Everybody knows how to have sex, where to put it, and how good it feels. There’s no denying that something quick and lustful can be very satisfying. The idea of a “quickie” was even popular when the Kama Sutra was written.

While Vātsyāyana acknowledges these bursts of heated passion to fulfill sexual hunger could be satisfying for feeding this desire, he also explains that their fast-and-furious nature places them lower on the scale of sensual pleasure. These “quickies” are usually more about a personal need for sexual release and less about an intimate connection with a loving partner.

Making Love and “Mindful Sex”

Making love, on the other hand, is about sharing pleasure and enjoying the journey as much as the destination. It’s a strictly human experience, because it requires higher intelligence and the ability to empathize and balance the desire for personal pleasure with the desire to bring your partner an equal or higher pleasure than your own. As partners become physically entwined, they also come together mentally and emotionally.

It’s a much more inclusive act than simply having sex, as it takes the aspects of intercourse and adds in the emotional connection and intimacy of foreplay that takes place during these sensual activities, as well as the cuddling and caressing that happens afterward.

If you’re like others, you love sex, but you strive for making love so you can take the trust and emotional intimacy you have for your partner to the next level.

In order to combine the physical and emotional, think of making love as “mindful sex.” When you are mindful, you are fully present, attentive, generous, and kind—both to yourself and your partner. The following are some ways to have mindful sex:

• Notice and take nonverbal cues from your partner to make sure the mood is right to make love.
• Make your partner’s pleasure a priority by setting the scene, whether it’s a warm bath, a candlelit bedroom, or frolicking in the garden.
• Use touch to convey your partner’s arousal. This is more important than you getting yourself off.
• Explore your partner’s body in slow motion with your fingers and tongue.
• Focus your attention on stimulating your partner’s primary erogenous zones, such as the nipples and sexual organs, by blowing cool breath with pursed lips, followed by hot breath with your open mouth.
• Whisper how you are going to satisfy your partner by describing exactly how you want to make love. For example, “I’m going to make love to you in your favorite position after I give you a sensual massage.”
• Make kissing a big part of your lovemaking experience. Whether kissing the forehead, eyes, cheeks, throat, breasts, joints of the thighs, arms, or navel, give that part your attention and passion.

Making love makes an emotional imprint, which is why you will remember lovemaking with someone special long after you forget the details of plain old sex.

Excerpt from  Kama Sutra for Idiots.